Numb...

Written in the month of January...

There are those days in life wherein I have no clue about my existence. It’s the vague feeling of nothingness that haunts. The mobile not vibrating or blinking, getting me excited about a call from someone who remembered. I’m left to myself. I have all the time to contemplate. But instead of doing all that, I prefer to keep myself busy to ward off the horrible feel of loneliness. Come on…there might be one person right?? Or….wouldn’t here be?
Today was one of those days. Right from the time I woke up, I knew it was not a fine sunny Sunday after all. I wasn’t hungry for long time. I forced myself to breakfast. I had pushed of washing clothes for quite some time. I did that chore. I even washed the sheets. Pretty much surprised myself. All the while the thread was getting pulled and I didn’t know why I was feeling horrible. To let go off it I did lot of cleaning and clearing and organizing in my room. What next. I was clueless. I read for a while and slept off midway. Clearly, I had disturbed sleep. But I managed to stay on my bed until half past five and got up for tea. Scanned channels for a while, obviously landed with the music channel. Didn’t feel like seeing anything of that sort. Scanned movie channels and luck found me. I saw that “Namesake” was being aired then. Initially I was just curious, because it was an Indian-English movie and anything that’s of the sort interests me. I kept watching till the end and I realized that there’s always a silver lining in every gray cloud.
Now let me tell you what the silver lining, I, experienced is. The movie was about an Indian family in the US, and how children grow up to be. It was going in a very expected way; kids not bothering to call parents, and rather spending time elsewhere. Midway dad passes away and lot of transformation happens in the children. They are more cautious about the roots. And a lot of instances come wherein the hero remembers his dad, of the numerous times he was callous. And there is the line in the movie that goes like this “When you feel lost, just find out when you were happy, not just thrilled, but deeply happy”. That was one line that I needed the most. HA! Wondrous! I wanted to hear something of the kind. And I contemplated on the line. I remembered when I truly felt happy. It’s always when am with my mother and father. When am at home. When I feel I’m back in the safe embryo. I kept thinking about the things they have done so far. I realized that I’ll never have a day when I will have to feel bad that I was not wished on an important day from them. Somehow isn’t it strange that parents are rarely appreciated. The way amma asks me what to cook the time I plan to visit home. How casually I laughed off when she told she hated to see my brother and I grow up, and that God is unfair when it comes to this. He gives children, and finally at a point of time He gets them separated from their parents. Somehow today, I really realize the pain she feels when I travel back to Bangalore or be it any place away from home. My cocoon. I remembered how bad it should be to have no one to keep talking to all day. Or should I say irritate. Hahaha….
Right now I miss the security. I want to get back home and feel that warmth. Relish the evenings we go for walking and hear her talk about the wonders of God and life He has bestowed. Of just lying down on her lap feel her stroking my hair and yes, feel like a baby again.

A Genuine Doubt...

"Is it not easier for God to duplicate what he created rather than creating a new wonder..."This was my question to tochi. The question sprung after i ogled at a picture of Johnny Depp... She made a brilliant reply..


"It takes centuries of careful genetic breeding to produce some one like Johnny Depp.Its not that easy to duplicate even for God."

LG... Life's Good :)

LG... this is my all new mantra about my life and its happenings......in Bangalore :)
I've never felt so happy..and so much like a good for nothing. Probably once in your life ...u need to. And especially with company i feel like a queen. My company is Thochi...aka Tulasi,Chaitra and occasionally Naveen comes in as well :). Let me talk a little history about these three people.

Thochi......She was my collegemate..not really a great friend...lets just call it an acquaintance. The only thing i knew about her was, her "jaada"(trust me..i have no clue as to wat its translation could be).She then became my TCS-mate :P , and did the training together at Ahmedbad....and well thats when i realised..for all this while she was under-cover.Oh..she's as bad as the company i usually belong to. She's a queen of mokkai. She "enjoys" koothu and laughs for TR's terror jokes. And, i wonder what i'd have ended up doing here if it were'nt for her!!(blink blink). We always plan on studying, which eventually doesnt happen. So...thats pretty much about this multi-faceted personality Thochi.
As for Chaitra..i feel sad that she has to put up with the two of us. She's the mild and sobre person...Mamma's baby.
And...last about Naveen...he's a "live life king size" kinda guy.At times quite an arse. No bells or breaks. And ..most importantly a "suspected gay".Allegation's done by his mother for not having found a girl.So...that makes him a great comBany.
So, it sounds like a dork gang.
About life, we are creatures of the night. And bangalore is for such people. Oh btw...our night ends at ten thirty.All day, our arse's are stuck either to the TV or computer ....and well,depending on what Vaidehi's cooked the fourth option is the bathroom. :P
Oh, i need to go to our aappis only for 5 minutes and twice a week. YEYY...and get paid for that.
We go out only and simply because we want to dress up. Assure ourself that with proper effort "we look stunning".Kurachu vaayanokki thendi thirinju varum. And with the money that TATA Daddy's give us...we spend spend and spend. Oh i also remind myself before shopping that i should'nt spend :) But, comeon with places like Brigade and MG and Commercial street, i can dream about not spending.Commercial street is a shoppers paradise!Tulasi and i gaped walking along its streets! We even have a membership at a library. Nice place.. Lot of good books. Just that we took the worst lot last time! I cudnt get reading 3/4 books. And i attempted a Taslima Nasreen. The lead was a married educated bengali and ends up in the company of a lesbian. I stopped reading it and realised why Taslima Nasreen is on exile.
I forgot to mention...i recently turned to be an ardent fan of tamil music, so rich in lyrics. Esp the "koothu".
Today's another day of nothingness.We planned to visit the library. Lazy. We planned to walk around in a mall. Lazy. Finally tulasi slept, chaitra's stuck to the tv and am blogging.
So...hence prooved.. LG Life IS Good :)

FRUSTRATED!!

Yes,am alive.
Just that i never did come here.
And am here today to get a little bit of my frustration out!
Its been 3 months that i joined work;2 months of which went with the training;and,now,for the past one month,i've been jobless with a job.I need to go just when am asked to,and thats like once a week or something.Trust me...am irritated.Not that am waiting to work or something...but i want something to occupy myself with!
One improvement is the library membership i took.Its a blessing.But,well...my rate of reading is increasing.I'm reading like one book a day.And,after finishing 4 books in a row...am getting a little tired reading.
For any commoner....am at an enviable position...job+salary+no-need-to-go-to-office+BAGALORE CITY!...T last being the focal point of attraction.But,well...thats for everybody else but me.I miss home,i miss my evening walk,i miss speaking to people...Here i see gazzilion faces..not stopping by to ask how the day was or anything..i have flatmates who r not interestedf to speak to "south-indians". Probably they have the mind-set that southies r un-touchables or something...okie..i really dont care about those phonies.But..well!! complaining about them doesnt vent my frustration anyway...Lot of friends are busy.Lot of friends have things to do..and ultimately.. there's no place to go.You might think am insane especially living in a place like this.

So what do i really want...i want to get something that would make me busy,and make me go to bed as soon as am back.I dont want hours and hours of void.
But well....how do i make that happen?
Even at the end of this ridiculous post...am still irritated!

Exceptional.....

I do not know why i've been stuck to this word "exceptional" right from early this morning; and am puzzled why! Living the past one week in quite the same way everyday, i yearned for an exception, a probable reason that i convinced myself with. Or, yet another word that came in for a particular reason/otherwise that i need'nt pay the centre of my attention,but i am. Or, there is seriously something in store for me. Which ever way i'd look, iam getting an answer, and an answer that i'am satisfied with. Sometimes, our brain does the weirdest possible things.Like right now, i'am not giving it "thinking-space" also!!......Once a friend of mine told me..."sometimes when we begin writing there is no thinking...like our brain has branches and the finger can think" I never thought about such an idea or explanation, but well, even i have experienced this and i'am sure lot of you have as well. How does this actually happen? It feels like talking through fingers. Like the river just flows....

Today, another thing that my brain made me crave for was the color golden and brown. I saw the color of a wall with that combination in a movie I was watching and the actors doing the mixing....my brain's gripped to that one. I felt like touching and feeling the gueey paint. I wanted to fill my senses with the rich gold and the soft blending brown. I dont know how many times have we come across and realised such yearnings. When we dont really do it...it stays right there, and keeps us wondering ..."what do i really want". Maybe it's not a possible or lets say attainable want, but the very realisation of it fills up. Or i know it filled me up. I've read somewhere, "Infinity lies inside the mind". And my remark to that one line is....."Nothing is as true as that". I imagined doing the paint, i imagined smell, i imagined its flow. I felt happy. Do i sound a little off the track? And if yes is the answer, maybe you should just pause and think what just made you yearn. I'am pretty sure that you will come up with a creative satisfaction. The heart, that houses our emotions, that holds on the relationships we make, that cries on a loss, that has so much more than what we really know. It also has a small cottage for us. Our private entry. The universe we have made. The room thats open only for us. Where have stacked those desires and sins.Small bit of happiness is all it takes for the wild flowers to grow in that room. I just discovered my bit of space, and i love the way its built...

Onam...

Its the day before Onam, Uthradam..... and for the first time after we settled down here in Kerala, we have enough flowers from the garden to make the "pookalam". I say this with pride because "buying" flowers for onam is what's been happening over the years and YEYY!! we didnt!!
Somehow there was a greater deal of satisfaction today. I've always heard my mother tell me,the Onam of her childhood days. How she and her siblings would wake up at crack of dawn and go around for gathering flowers, and this time i was lucky to have experienced that joy! I did the task of gathering and putting them as well!! What one might observe is the magnificent designs that people put. It is indeed magnificent, even i enjoy looking at them. But offlate its just those four colours of yellow,orange,purple and pink. Every house has just them. And i didnt find a fault with that until today :). My "pookalam" has sandal,has cream, has red and yellow!!!
An innocent joy.

Sky.....

I took this picture from Pazhani. I do not know how many of us might have seen this color of sky! Orange, yello, gold,silvers,gray,blue,black...but THIS red??? It seriously surprised me. Long ago when i was a kid i'd seen a cartoon wherein Sun had little angels whose job was to paint the sky during dawn and dusk. And i believe it. Comeon, it gives a sensible explanation, they look like everyday painters!! hehehehe....and looks like that day they took excess red!!! Am baffeled looking at the picture!