Numb...

Written in the month of January...

There are those days in life wherein I have no clue about my existence. It’s the vague feeling of nothingness that haunts. The mobile not vibrating or blinking, getting me excited about a call from someone who remembered. I’m left to myself. I have all the time to contemplate. But instead of doing all that, I prefer to keep myself busy to ward off the horrible feel of loneliness. Come on…there might be one person right?? Or….wouldn’t here be?
Today was one of those days. Right from the time I woke up, I knew it was not a fine sunny Sunday after all. I wasn’t hungry for long time. I forced myself to breakfast. I had pushed of washing clothes for quite some time. I did that chore. I even washed the sheets. Pretty much surprised myself. All the while the thread was getting pulled and I didn’t know why I was feeling horrible. To let go off it I did lot of cleaning and clearing and organizing in my room. What next. I was clueless. I read for a while and slept off midway. Clearly, I had disturbed sleep. But I managed to stay on my bed until half past five and got up for tea. Scanned channels for a while, obviously landed with the music channel. Didn’t feel like seeing anything of that sort. Scanned movie channels and luck found me. I saw that “Namesake” was being aired then. Initially I was just curious, because it was an Indian-English movie and anything that’s of the sort interests me. I kept watching till the end and I realized that there’s always a silver lining in every gray cloud.
Now let me tell you what the silver lining, I, experienced is. The movie was about an Indian family in the US, and how children grow up to be. It was going in a very expected way; kids not bothering to call parents, and rather spending time elsewhere. Midway dad passes away and lot of transformation happens in the children. They are more cautious about the roots. And a lot of instances come wherein the hero remembers his dad, of the numerous times he was callous. And there is the line in the movie that goes like this “When you feel lost, just find out when you were happy, not just thrilled, but deeply happy”. That was one line that I needed the most. HA! Wondrous! I wanted to hear something of the kind. And I contemplated on the line. I remembered when I truly felt happy. It’s always when am with my mother and father. When am at home. When I feel I’m back in the safe embryo. I kept thinking about the things they have done so far. I realized that I’ll never have a day when I will have to feel bad that I was not wished on an important day from them. Somehow isn’t it strange that parents are rarely appreciated. The way amma asks me what to cook the time I plan to visit home. How casually I laughed off when she told she hated to see my brother and I grow up, and that God is unfair when it comes to this. He gives children, and finally at a point of time He gets them separated from their parents. Somehow today, I really realize the pain she feels when I travel back to Bangalore or be it any place away from home. My cocoon. I remembered how bad it should be to have no one to keep talking to all day. Or should I say irritate. Hahaha….
Right now I miss the security. I want to get back home and feel that warmth. Relish the evenings we go for walking and hear her talk about the wonders of God and life He has bestowed. Of just lying down on her lap feel her stroking my hair and yes, feel like a baby again.